Everywhere but here...

I am everywhere but here. I have put off writing a post here many times because i feel that if i write something, it will be soppy. Yes.. this is soppy.

Just want to purge it all out anyways and get it out of the way. Some of my sadness for these past few days.. weeks.. months. Its been almost a year. I used to walk with a skip like a kid.. i am happy most days of my life. Life is simple. I don't really ask for much. I lost my skip this year.

When i think of my good buddy, tears just fall when i think of how brave she still is. I can sit here working and tears just fall and i am so overwhelmed with sadness. I stopped keeping appearances everywhere except the shelter. I am at peace there.

My buddy is seeking treatment for her cancer in Bangkok. Even though the chances are very slim, we still push her to go. Its better than doing nothing and waiting at home to die. Two oncologists in Kuala Lumpur has given her the Stage 4 notice. Chemotherapy at this stage of cancer is probably more pain than anything else. Its not an option she wanted to go through with.

So off she went to Bangkok beginning of November. With just whatsapp to keep us in the loop, we can sense her sadness to be away from home and to be away from family. Either that or just wait at home to die. So we went to see her.

She went to see a very old doctor in his 90s in Bangkok. He treats a lot of cancer patients quite successfully. But when he saw my friend, he just told her... be happy. Don't do chemo anymore. He told her he could not help her.

She is a very stubborn person. To deny herself of treatment earlier when things could have worked out better is very stupid. She has her reasons and i still do not understand why she would allow herself to rot this way.

What i expected to see is way beyond what i thought it would be. Its a lot worse. It is even painful to look. Her breasts has rotted and pus and blood is leaking all the time. An open wound so bad that its shocking to someone like me.

We just hang out at the hotel when there's no treatment days. We cook.. eat and laughed and talked about stupid things as usual. If you looked at her, you would not think she has a very very bad sore on her. She looked perky and happy in front of us. A brave front as she always does in front of us. When the pain comes, the tears just flows. She doesn't scream or cry out loud. She just bears with it quietly.

The only places we went to in Bangkok is the supermarket, the 7-eleven and the pharmacy. We didn't really want to be anywhere else but to be with her. Putting on a happy face and smiling in front of her is quite hard. I finally broke down on the last night before we came home. I told her i would not cry in front of her but i did.

She is one of my best buddy through all my silly years. We did a lot of silly things.. dancing, singing, eating and just travelling. We also ate a lot of crabs together. She is my ever willing travel partner too. She never say no to any of my request to see or do things. That's how she is.

Her days are quite numbered. I know the end will be very painful and heartbreaking. I just want her to get home to her family and be happy on her days of grace. I wish for her less pain everyday.

When you have cancer at this late stage, everyone is expecting you to die soon. Even though you don't want to die yet, everyone is wondering when you will go. People taking care of you will wonder when you'll go too when they get too tired of taking care of you and meeting your demands. Its heartbreaking but that's how it is. People want to get on with their own lives.

Maybe she'll live a few years more or she might just outlive me. Who knows. Maybe the treatment she is doing now.. works for her. She'll get another few more years. Who knows.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

I have failed as a friend. Especially a good friend, i did not get her to help herself when she could. Now its probably too late.

A note to GLP's mommy: Thank you so much for the bonfim ribbons. She is carrying a blue one on her wrist now. I don't know if it will work but it did give her some hope. She made 3 wishes too. She has asked me to thank you.