In the still of the night... here i am... still awake. A few things to purge out again. Thoughts and so many thoughts. I find that writing about it helps. So its out in the open and out of my mind. Its also to keep my thoughts in writing, so that i can laugh at myself somewhere sometime next year perhaps.

My dad is getting old.. and more forgetful by the day. He had a minor accident three weeks back. He was driving and on his merry way to buy lunch and BOOM! A car did not stop at a junction and dad being on the main road could not stop in time. That BOOM left many cracks.

He was not injured. Just a bump on the head. A bit of a concussion. A bit of disorientation.

When he goes out, i am always concerned when i get a phone call from him. Either the car is stalled (its an old junk) or he's in trouble. The last time an old man on a bicycle with no lights hit him in the mornings, the old man was injured. Not too seriously but he was injured. He sent the old man to the hospital himself. Called me from the hospital and i rushed over. Even though it was not his fault, my dad slowed down and got scared of old people on bicycles.

This recent accident slowed him down even more. Now he is petrified of junctions. Even when i am driving (i am already driving like an old lady). He'll shout.. lookout.. don't go too fast.. slow down slow down. I can remain very calm in many situations. Its years of practise and years of keeping quiet in most situations.

Sometimes i hear a lot of noise. Some of it comes from my dad. Sometimes i tune out. Even in a busy restaurant, my mind tunes out. It is not very kind of me but sometimes my mind is so tired from all the noise.

My dad is a very very picky eater. He complains about everything. Probably he's bored. Probably he just wants to make conversation. If i go out to buy lunch, he'll complain about the food i bring back. He'll complain the dishes are not to his liking. He'll complain there's TOO MUCH RICE (this happens all the time). He'll complain that its too dry.. or the rice is too wet. I can never get it right. I rarely complain about the food that others buy for me. I am always thankful for a meal.

My dad's going thru a chicken rice phase. Everytime he goes out to buy lunch, he'll come back with chicken and rice. I can eat chicken rice everyday. Dommy loves the chicken too. Even when we go out to eat, he orders chicken rice. Mind boggling. He was not much of a chicken rice fan two years back.

Today my dad's car is done and ready. All the cracks fixed. My uncle took him to the workshop the last two times. I didn't go as i had to work and i had some other issues. Today i took him to take his car and we cannot find the shop because he forgot where it was. I made a call to the workshop and they gave me very clear directions. But my dad directed me somewhere else.. and told me to turn another way. Its there.. its behind there. I told him there's no road up ahead. But he insisted that the road was there. Unless i am driving a flying saucer or maybe a bicycle, i can go behind the shops with the road up front. I remain calm and called the workshop again. The workshop was calm enough to repeat the directions again.

This time i didn't listen to him and went on my way. He kept complaining that i am on the wrong road.. and my uncle did not take him on this road... all the way until we reach the workshop. I rest my case.

I remember 5 years ago, we were on this same road, he was in a very foul mood. Mom has just passed away. He was driving fast and faster... scolding all the way. I just closed my eyes and thought that i was going to die if we crashed. He was going so fast and not in the right frame of mind. Accidents happen when angry people drive too fast.

Taking care of my old dad sometimes makes me want to run away. Each time i go to Kuala Lumpur, i abandon everyone and run. I always run. I needed to get away before i cracked too. Maybe one day when i am older, i will regret all these running away. Maybe one day i will wished for more time and wish that my dad will complain more.

When he came home after the accident, he had a major outburst. He was shouting and scolding (not to me) but everyone. It was like a volcano erupted. My sister mentioned that a concussion could spark the outburst. Dom and i got out of his way and just hid in the room. He was angry. I tried to tell him to look at the good side of things. Always look for the better side of every situation. I told him, you are not injured. The car can be fixed. It just money. As long as you are not injured and no one else is killed, we are fine. My siblings who called got hell from him.

His friends called and told him worst case scenarios. I wish i could smack his friends there and then. They told him if he had gone faster and the car hit his car on the driver's side, he could have been injured seriously. When people are in accidents, you do not offer worst case scenarios. That's just so dumb. My dad had an awful night. Shivering and scared. He didn't drive for 2 days.

He's still scared of junctions now.

My new friends from the cattery asked me what am i scared of. They ask me if i am scared of my dad. I just smiled. I am not scared of my dad. Especially at my age, i am definitely not scared. I just do not want situations to be hurtful or stressed. I don't like to pick a fight. I rather keep quiet. Keeping quiet is the worst for anyone who knows what being ignored feels like.

I wish my dad would learn to be happier and not complain about everything and anything. I wish he will learn to be thankful for the little things in life. I wish that he'll learn to look at the brighter side of ever situation. I know its hard for old people to change. Situations have made them what they are today. Being the younger one, we probably just have to learn to accomodate or just run away once in a while.

On another note, my friend is now transfered to a hospital in Penang. She just had her whole breast removed. A doctor is willing to do the operation for her even though her cancer is already everywhere. Only the brain is not affected. She's bedridden, wears diapers and am on a lot of painkillers. Dignity all gone as her sisters have to change her diapers and clean her up.

I was in Kuala Lumpur to see her when she was admitted a forthnight ago. Even though the family preferred less visitors for her as her immune system is very low, we got to see her. They allowed us to spend the afternoon with her in her room. It was a great day. Between the 5 of us, we cracked some stupid jokes, made her laugh.. fed her food... and just be with her. She was very tired when we left. She was glad we all came. She smiled and she was happy.

Maybe if we are lucky, we'll get to see her again in 2 weeks time. Her birthday is in two weeks time. We'll get ourselves to Penang and make her laugh again at our stupid jokes.

After seeing all the suffering she has to go thru, i am thankful that i am able to lift my hands... easily. She is not able to. I am thankful that i can still skip when i walk. I am thankful for many things in my life. Even though dad is a complaining old man, i am thankful that i am able to take care of him.

I am thinking of a week long hiatus in May. Somewhere far away... somewhere i've always wanted to go.

Dogs are easier beings to live with. They don't make a lot of noise. Especially Dom, he's usually quiet unless he hears something/someone at the door. He's happy to just stay by my side when i work. He doesn't complain at all. He's always happy to go for a walk. He's always happy when he gets food.

Dom is getting old too. Still a curly wurly. But still have the heart of a little puppy. Always curious and always skipping and jumping. He forgets he's old.

With that, i end my rant for today. *LOL* Thank you for reading :) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ

13 woofs:

Sandee said...

Many old folks are just angry they are old. Men can be angry that they have become weak and no longer useful. Old age isn't for the weak. I'm sorry you have to endure all this anger.

I'm happy you have your baby Dom though. He loves you unconditionally.

Have a terrific day. :)

scotsmad said...

Friends of ours are going through the same with with aging parents or spouses. you have to let it out because it isn't going to get better unfortunately.

XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

Sue said...

Oh Ann,
I wish you were here and I could give you a big hug and a cup of tea. Then we'd sit quietly on the porch and relax.

When Rob's mother got old and couldn't take care of herself anymore, she came to live with us. Rob wasn't home most of the week, he was away on business and I was here alone with his mom. She used to shout at me and say awful things to me and she'd go behind my back and break my things, then she'd lie about it. It was an awful time. We were all unhappy most of the time and it almost ended our marriage.

I feel so bad for what you're going thru and wish I could help. Feel free to email me any time and rant all you want. I'll be thinking about you.

Ann said...

It sounds to me like you are a very good daughter and very patient with your dad. It's not easy having the rolls reversed when parents get older. Hang in there and Duke and I are sending hugs :)

Nessa said...

Here's a BIG hug for you my fren.

Sori to hear about your dad's minor accident. I can understand his phobia for junctions. I used to have phobias at traffic lights... errr because my car stalled... on my 1st day of driving. S**t! Now not so much since I don't drive that much... well, my driving licence expired so mana boleh drive kan... nanti masuk lokap, takuttt!

Anyway, I think I can relate. My late dad had anger issues too but luckily he wasn't the complaining type. And boy can he be sarcastic. I guess that is one trait that was passed to me. :)

You are a wonderful daughter for just taking it all in. I would have exploded and fought. I'm never the 'keep it all in' type. I would have gone cuckoo. You have been patient all these times so just be patient some more. I know it's easier said than done.

That's just the way your dad is. And I think he is lonely and misses your mom. We can't change a person no matter how much we want to change them. And it's ok to want to run away once in a while, there's only so much we can take... we are only human kan.

Prayers for your friend. She is so blessed to be surrounded with loyal and funny friends ... when all else fails, laughter is the best medicine.

Spiffy said...

Your dad sounds like me ... LOL!

Aiyaaa, old people always cranky one, I can attest to that. It's their way of making sure they're still relevant to the younger ones around them. Glad it wasn't a serious accident and that he's okay.

And you're indeed a great friend to your friend! My prayers go out to her.

Ann Oon said...

You are right Sandee...old age is certainly not for the weak. It would be great if you have your other half with you. Or perhaps a companion pet.
My dad is probably just angry and lonely. Yes... Dom loves me more than i can ever love him.

Ann Oon said...

I believe its not going to get any better... cos they will get older and weaker and more angry. Writing about it and getting all your comments helps in many ways. Helps me to see things in a better light. Thank you for your thoughts Roxy's mommy.

Ann Oon said...

I wish i can go scoot over to your side too Sue.. and have a cup of tea with you and play with Syd and Mac.
Mother in laws can sometimes be from hell.. *LOL* I shudder to think of what your life must have been way back then. We didn't have internet and we didn't have great blogging friends too back then.
I am glad that part of your life is over... and you are now happy. Thank you for your sharing.

Ann Oon said...

I am not a good daughter Ann.. else i won't be ranting here.. *LOL* but i can be most patient on some situations.
Reversed roles are hard. Mothers are easier... my mom was sweet and nice and very soft spoken. Never a harsh word to us. TQ for your hugs.

Ann Oon said...

My dad's ok Ness. He was not hurt. Just a bump. But that bump took more out of him that anything else.
I have a phobia of stalled cars too.. LOL

It is no point to explode and fight back. They are old. If they cannot take it... they will have heart pain. And if anything happens to dad, i am at fault. So running away sometimes is the best solution :)

He misses my mom a lot. She meant a lot to him. Its almost CNY.. and the butterflies are back.

Laughter is the best medicine.. especially for a terminally ill person, cheering them up means a lot to them. Even if you have to do a chicken dance :)

Ann Oon said...

I sure hope you don't get old and angry Spiffy. Else i know that someone will sharpen her claws and get you :)

thank you for your thoughts!

georgia little pea said...

No, mothers are not necessarily easier. Mine was painful for as long as I knew her and more so towards the end. My father was a trooper and I wish I'd been a better daughter to him, like you are to you your dad. Being a grumpy old person myself these days, I can imagine what you're going through. Don't your siblings take turns to look after him? They should. Good rant, Annie! Hope you feel a little better for the purge. X