A Long Winded Rant

In the still of the night... here i am... still awake. A few things to purge out again. Thoughts and so many thoughts. I find that writing about it helps. So its out in the open and out of my mind. Its also to keep my thoughts in writing, so that i can laugh at myself somewhere sometime next year perhaps.

My dad is getting old.. and more forgetful by the day. He had a minor accident three weeks back. He was driving and on his merry way to buy lunch and BOOM! A car did not stop at a junction and dad being on the main road could not stop in time. That BOOM left many cracks.

He was not injured. Just a bump on the head. A bit of a concussion. A bit of disorientation.

When he goes out, i am always concerned when i get a phone call from him. Either the car is stalled (its an old junk) or he's in trouble. The last time an old man on a bicycle with no lights hit him in the mornings, the old man was injured. Not too seriously but he was injured. He sent the old man to the hospital himself. Called me from the hospital and i rushed over. Even though it was not his fault, my dad slowed down and got scared of old people on bicycles.

This recent accident slowed him down even more. Now he is petrified of junctions. Even when i am driving (i am already driving like an old lady). He'll shout.. lookout.. don't go too fast.. slow down slow down. I can remain very calm in many situations. Its years of practise and years of keeping quiet in most situations.

Sometimes i hear a lot of noise. Some of it comes from my dad. Sometimes i tune out. Even in a busy restaurant, my mind tunes out. It is not very kind of me but sometimes my mind is so tired from all the noise.

My dad is a very very picky eater. He complains about everything. Probably he's bored. Probably he just wants to make conversation. If i go out to buy lunch, he'll complain about the food i bring back. He'll complain the dishes are not to his liking. He'll complain there's TOO MUCH RICE (this happens all the time). He'll complain that its too dry.. or the rice is too wet. I can never get it right. I rarely complain about the food that others buy for me. I am always thankful for a meal.

My dad's going thru a chicken rice phase. Everytime he goes out to buy lunch, he'll come back with chicken and rice. I can eat chicken rice everyday. Dommy loves the chicken too. Even when we go out to eat, he orders chicken rice. Mind boggling. He was not much of a chicken rice fan two years back.

Today my dad's car is done and ready. All the cracks fixed. My uncle took him to the workshop the last two times. I didn't go as i had to work and i had some other issues. Today i took him to take his car and we cannot find the shop because he forgot where it was. I made a call to the workshop and they gave me very clear directions. But my dad directed me somewhere else.. and told me to turn another way. Its there.. its behind there. I told him there's no road up ahead. But he insisted that the road was there. Unless i am driving a flying saucer or maybe a bicycle, i can go behind the shops with the road up front. I remain calm and called the workshop again. The workshop was calm enough to repeat the directions again.

This time i didn't listen to him and went on my way. He kept complaining that i am on the wrong road.. and my uncle did not take him on this road... all the way until we reach the workshop. I rest my case.

I remember 5 years ago, we were on this same road, he was in a very foul mood. Mom has just passed away. He was driving fast and faster... scolding all the way. I just closed my eyes and thought that i was going to die if we crashed. He was going so fast and not in the right frame of mind. Accidents happen when angry people drive too fast.

Taking care of my old dad sometimes makes me want to run away. Each time i go to Kuala Lumpur, i abandon everyone and run. I always run. I needed to get away before i cracked too. Maybe one day when i am older, i will regret all these running away. Maybe one day i will wished for more time and wish that my dad will complain more.

When he came home after the accident, he had a major outburst. He was shouting and scolding (not to me) but everyone. It was like a volcano erupted. My sister mentioned that a concussion could spark the outburst. Dom and i got out of his way and just hid in the room. He was angry. I tried to tell him to look at the good side of things. Always look for the better side of every situation. I told him, you are not injured. The car can be fixed. It just money. As long as you are not injured and no one else is killed, we are fine. My siblings who called got hell from him.

His friends called and told him worst case scenarios. I wish i could smack his friends there and then. They told him if he had gone faster and the car hit his car on the driver's side, he could have been injured seriously. When people are in accidents, you do not offer worst case scenarios. That's just so dumb. My dad had an awful night. Shivering and scared. He didn't drive for 2 days.

He's still scared of junctions now.

My new friends from the cattery asked me what am i scared of. They ask me if i am scared of my dad. I just smiled. I am not scared of my dad. Especially at my age, i am definitely not scared. I just do not want situations to be hurtful or stressed. I don't like to pick a fight. I rather keep quiet. Keeping quiet is the worst for anyone who knows what being ignored feels like.

I wish my dad would learn to be happier and not complain about everything and anything. I wish he will learn to be thankful for the little things in life. I wish that he'll learn to look at the brighter side of ever situation. I know its hard for old people to change. Situations have made them what they are today. Being the younger one, we probably just have to learn to accomodate or just run away once in a while.

On another note, my friend is now transfered to a hospital in Penang. She just had her whole breast removed. A doctor is willing to do the operation for her even though her cancer is already everywhere. Only the brain is not affected. She's bedridden, wears diapers and am on a lot of painkillers. Dignity all gone as her sisters have to change her diapers and clean her up.

I was in Kuala Lumpur to see her when she was admitted a forthnight ago. Even though the family preferred less visitors for her as her immune system is very low, we got to see her. They allowed us to spend the afternoon with her in her room. It was a great day. Between the 5 of us, we cracked some stupid jokes, made her laugh.. fed her food... and just be with her. She was very tired when we left. She was glad we all came. She smiled and she was happy.

Maybe if we are lucky, we'll get to see her again in 2 weeks time. Her birthday is in two weeks time. We'll get ourselves to Penang and make her laugh again at our stupid jokes.

After seeing all the suffering she has to go thru, i am thankful that i am able to lift my hands... easily. She is not able to. I am thankful that i can still skip when i walk. I am thankful for many things in my life. Even though dad is a complaining old man, i am thankful that i am able to take care of him.

I am thinking of a week long hiatus in May. Somewhere far away... somewhere i've always wanted to go.

Dogs are easier beings to live with. They don't make a lot of noise. Especially Dom, he's usually quiet unless he hears something/someone at the door. He's happy to just stay by my side when i work. He doesn't complain at all. He's always happy to go for a walk. He's always happy when he gets food.

Dom is getting old too. Still a curly wurly. But still have the heart of a little puppy. Always curious and always skipping and jumping. He forgets he's old.

With that, i end my rant for today. *LOL* Thank you for reading :) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZ