I am everywhere but here. I have put off writing a post here many times because i feel that if i write something, it will be soppy. Yes.. this is soppy.

Just want to purge it all out anyways and get it out of the way. Some of my sadness for these past few days.. weeks.. months. Its been almost a year. I used to walk with a skip like a kid.. i am happy most days of my life. Life is simple. I don't really ask for much. I lost my skip this year.

When i think of my good buddy, tears just fall when i think of how brave she still is. I can sit here working and tears just fall and i am so overwhelmed with sadness. I stopped keeping appearances everywhere except the shelter. I am at peace there.

My buddy is seeking treatment for her cancer in Bangkok. Even though the chances are very slim, we still push her to go. Its better than doing nothing and waiting at home to die. Two oncologists in Kuala Lumpur has given her the Stage 4 notice. Chemotherapy at this stage of cancer is probably more pain than anything else. Its not an option she wanted to go through with.

So off she went to Bangkok beginning of November. With just whatsapp to keep us in the loop, we can sense her sadness to be away from home and to be away from family. Either that or just wait at home to die. So we went to see her.

She went to see a very old doctor in his 90s in Bangkok. He treats a lot of cancer patients quite successfully. But when he saw my friend, he just told her... be happy. Don't do chemo anymore. He told her he could not help her.

She is a very stubborn person. To deny herself of treatment earlier when things could have worked out better is very stupid. She has her reasons and i still do not understand why she would allow herself to rot this way.

What i expected to see is way beyond what i thought it would be. Its a lot worse. It is even painful to look. Her breasts has rotted and pus and blood is leaking all the time. An open wound so bad that its shocking to someone like me.

We just hang out at the hotel when there's no treatment days. We cook.. eat and laughed and talked about stupid things as usual. If you looked at her, you would not think she has a very very bad sore on her. She looked perky and happy in front of us. A brave front as she always does in front of us. When the pain comes, the tears just flows. She doesn't scream or cry out loud. She just bears with it quietly.

The only places we went to in Bangkok is the supermarket, the 7-eleven and the pharmacy. We didn't really want to be anywhere else but to be with her. Putting on a happy face and smiling in front of her is quite hard. I finally broke down on the last night before we came home. I told her i would not cry in front of her but i did.

She is one of my best buddy through all my silly years. We did a lot of silly things.. dancing, singing, eating and just travelling. We also ate a lot of crabs together. She is my ever willing travel partner too. She never say no to any of my request to see or do things. That's how she is.

Her days are quite numbered. I know the end will be very painful and heartbreaking. I just want her to get home to her family and be happy on her days of grace. I wish for her less pain everyday.

When you have cancer at this late stage, everyone is expecting you to die soon. Even though you don't want to die yet, everyone is wondering when you will go. People taking care of you will wonder when you'll go too when they get too tired of taking care of you and meeting your demands. Its heartbreaking but that's how it is. People want to get on with their own lives.

Maybe she'll live a few years more or she might just outlive me. Who knows. Maybe the treatment she is doing now.. works for her. She'll get another few more years. Who knows.

Hope springs eternal in the human breast;
Man never Is, but always To be blest:
The soul, uneasy and confin'd from home,
Rests and expatiates in a life to come.

I have failed as a friend. Especially a good friend, i did not get her to help herself when she could. Now its probably too late.

A note to GLP's mommy: Thank you so much for the bonfim ribbons. She is carrying a blue one on her wrist now. I don't know if it will work but it did give her some hope. She made 3 wishes too. She has asked me to thank you.

11 woofs:

Golden Woofs! SUGAR said...

Woof! Woof! Good to see a post. yes its been a long time. Sending you Lots of Golden LOVE. Lots of Golden Woofs, Sugar

Sandee said...

Don't blame yourself. Please don't carry around that kind of guilt. It will do you no good at all. You are with her now and doing what you can. That counts a lot. You are a good friend.

Have a terrific day. Big healing hugs to you both and scritches to your babies. :)

georgia little pea said...

Dear Anny,

I have missed you so much over the last few months. I could sense from your comments and then your absence, that you were passing through a difficult time. I had a feeling it had to do with your old friend.

I can imagine how sad you are but the one thing you must NOT do is blame yourself, or think of yourself as a bad friend. You do not sound like a bad friend to me at all. In the end, we are all responsible for our own lives, how they turn out and how they end. I think it is one of the greatest rights we have as humans.

I'm glad your friend has a Bonfim fita. I don't know what she wished for, but I shall wish her some peace. And for you, acceptance for whatever will happen. Time to let go, my friend.

A big hug X

Bella Roxy & Macdui said...

You cannot MAKE people do what they do not want to do. Get rid of the guilt and just enjoy every moment you have with your friend and store up some wonderful memories.

She sounds very brave.

XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & Roxy

3 doxies said...

Puddles mum here...I am crying right along here with you and I don't even know your friend but I know how hard it is to watch her go through this. I am just grateful she has such wonderful friends to go the distance with her and for her.
Please never feel like you aren't a good friend. You can't help those that don't want help. She may have been at a point that she didn't really think she needed help. Just think in the present.
Puddles and I are sending you hugs and much love to get you through.

Allison...and Puddles

Nessa said...

Dear Anny, I'm with everyone... please do not blame yourself.

I wish I can say magic words that soothe, alleviate and comfort you. But I know that's only wishful thinking. I pray for your friend too, that she will not be in so much pain. It breaks my heart reading this post. I'm sorry I haven't been 'around' or asked how you have been. I thought you were busy with work.

If ever you need a friend to talk to or for just anything, I'm all ears ya. And If you are down in KL, please let me know. We need to meet up, it's been a while. ((Hugs))

Unknown said...

I thank all of you for your kind words. It meant a lot to me and helped me a lot. The blogging community is a very strange and kind place. Even though i've been gone for so long, you guys still come by and leave me these kind words.

I thank you for your friendship. Things will fall into place as they always do.

We cannot make people do what they do not want to do. That is the universal rights as a human being. We can only stand by them and help them up when they fall.

I am sorry for the soppy post. Its time to let go and move on.

yuki and rocket said...

Don't blame yourself. From what I remember reading from your previous posts on your friend, you did try. You know the saying you can lead a horse to water. You are a good friend. A good friend is someone like you, who is by your sick and in pain friend's side, for no other reason then to be by her side. A good friend wouldn't promise not to cry even though it's tearing her up inside only to finally cry because she loves her friend so much, she's not ready to say goodbye. A good friend is someone who thinks they are not a good friend to those friends that mean so much to them. Your friend is so brave and you can't ever give up on her, no matter how bad it is.

I know I've said it before but you are really a good writer. So much so that i even think of your friends from time to time because I can feel all your emotions through your writing.

Please keep us updated, even if it's your daily life. I find it all so fascinating. I understand not blogging as much, I haven't been doing as much as usual, but I'll still read it even if it's months from now. :)


Spiffy said...

You've been there for her and you're still there for her, right? So, why blame yourself? Here's to her outliving all of us! Keep us updated on things, k?

The Daily Pip said...

Your friend is so lucky to have a friend like you as I know you are lucky to have her ...I am sorry for her pain and for you having to watch someone you love go through this ...We are thinking of you both and sending lots of love and support across the miles.

Kristin & Pip

Jon Terry said...

I know how that feels cause I've been through that road. It's good that you release that which is in your heart as we are always hear to lend you our ears.

You both are blessed to have each other to brave through such difficult time. Both of you have found such companionship in each other that could release such strength to keep on moving forward in this journey of life.

You both have shown us, what true kindred friendship and companionship is all about.Thank you very much!

We are always praying for you both.

Love ya,
Kim & Jon Terry